If you’ve ever wandered across the sticky floors of a popular nightclub, then the chances are that you have encountered the following people. They all mingle together and make the club experience unforgettable, for better or worse. In fact, (most) of these characters are why our beloved sound houses are so successful in the first place; without them, the nightclubs would be rather boring and uneventful.
1. The Table God
The Table God is probably the easiest to spot in a busy nightclub. This is mostly because you need only to follow the parade of illuminated bottles with sparklers attached, shooting shards of light onto the general admission as they pass by; carried by beautiful women wearing next to nothing in 6 inch heels, all the way to the VIP tables. Once arrived, everyone rejoices at the coveted fresh supply and dances in celebration whilst posting pictures of “The Good Life”. The aforementioned would even be considered a mild celebration compared to the drum lines, bottle-filled coffins and customized “big-head” presentations
that I have witnessed.
Now, while any given table may have upwards of 15-20 people around it, the actual Table God can be identified only to the trained observer. He (typically male) will be the one that the table’s designated cocktail waitress will advert most of her attention to, and consequently, the same one who will be handed a black leather-bound book at the end of the night. This book lists all of the bad decisions of the night with a relative dollar amount aside each one, for which the Table God will judge and then rectify. Other Table God duties include maintaining a front and center position of the table, enjoying themselves thoroughly, bringing beautiful women around and exchanging head nods with VIP security the whole night. These nods determine who and who may not pass the velvet rope and join the party. Cheers to you Table God, thanks for the show.
2. The Model Citizens
Unless you’re blind, you have seen the next group in the club. They’re typically tall, lean and dressed like they just stepped off the runway. The game is to guess which ones are being paid for there attendance and which ones are there just to have fun on their own volition. In the industry there is such a thing as an “atmosphere” model. These well groomed young ladies are hired to, not surprisingly, enhance the club’s atmosphere. The atmosphere models may be nice to look at, but it’s their great personalities that really make them worth hiring. It’s pretty much a win-win for everyone involved, the club builds a sexy and fun reputation while the ladies get paid to party; who wouldn’t like to be paid to celebrate life? I would…and did. Anyway, upon arrival the club staff is usually quick to usher these girls to the VIP areas where they are sacrificed to the Gods to ensure a lively time and make sure everyone is in good spirits and spending that cash.
3. The Break-Dancer, or a Dancer Who Breaks Things.
These guys are quite possibly the reason why VIP sections were created in the first place. So you’re two drinks in, having a good time, really feeling the music, but still dancing in socially appropriate distance from your neighbor. When BAM! An elbow flies through your no flex zone, splashing all of your high priced fluids onto you and your friends. Your first reaction is to accelerate natural selection and put this kid out of his misery but you soon realize the idiot is so far in down the rabbit hole he/she is blissfully unaware of the drama that just went down. The not-so-tiny dancer has already moved half way across the floor combining every last moved learned from “just dance” and all you can do is stand there, slightly moist, and look up with envy to the protected Table God and his cohorts.
4. The Recently Single Disastor-Saurus
I think it is possible that not only have we ran across the Disaster-Saurus in the nightclub, but if were all honest with ourselves, that we have at least to some degree, been this person too. They’re just coming off a bad-break up and they can’t stay home, but they don’t really want to be around people, so the only natural solution is to go out and drink until they can’t see anyone or anything anymore. Some of you might even be tempted to approach these lonely strangers but If you’re not careful these people will corner you in the club and begin to tell you ALL their life’s woes. “F%#! him and her, my life is over, nobody loves me, can you believe what they did, and don’t tell me how to live my life or drink my liquor” Any vibe you had going is dead now and even after their one friend shows up and apologetically relieves you, it will be hard to get it back.
5. The Come-Up Kid
This is the best dressed person in the club by far, they have a magnetic energy and a million dollar smile. Only the smile is the only thing with 7 figures. This guy is not at the most popular club on the hottest night by chance and he isn’t there to just party either. Come-Up Kids are there to make connections and these connections are best made with plenty of booze and around a table. Yet not exactly with the Table God types as you might guess, for Table God is too prepared for such notions and omnisciently sees a Come-Up Kid approaching from miles away. As the name might suggest, this person works their way to the top from the bottom-up; meaning, friend’s of friends until they’re right where they need to be. Soon this natural conversationalist will be spotted at every happening event in the city and before you know it he is now in a promising business relationship with a major influencer around town. Nothing wrong with that Come-Up Kid, Hustle’ on.
6. The Bottle Rats
It wouldn’t be surprise me if this group of animals weren’t actually released into the night by the clubs themselves for the sole purpose to drain all the bottles, thus increasing sales. These sly creatures lie in wait until its safe to pursue their prey, targeting large over-crowded tables as their prime victims. Even though they run in packs they are quite good at blending into the background; not too attractive, not too flashy, not too tall, they slither in and out of tables throwing up aimless and misguiding “heys!” into the distance as they begin their approach. Once they have breached the first line of defense they begin quickly, but quietly, pouring their drinks, only to disappear back into the crowd with their stolen treasures. Soon the table guests begin noticing that their supply is dry already and everyone is still thirsty, so more bottles must be ordered accordingly.
7. The Celebratour!!! (Bachelors & Birthdays-esp. the 21st)
So there roughly 360,000 babies born every day. This means that you share your special day with about 360,000 other people. However, you are the only you, so its a somewhat a special day…but not special enough to act like an asshole in public and make everyone around you sorry they went out that night. I cant tell you how many Celebratour’s friends are forced to begin a conflict resolution speech with “I’m sorry its her birthday” or “Yeah, I know but he is getting married tomorrow” when trying to cover for them. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing a good birthday celebration done right with tact, love and fun; but don’t honor the day you were born by making everyone wish you weren’t. People will respect you for being classy on your special day….this is especially true for the next group of people.
8. The Industry Family (Liquor Reps, Off Duty Bartenders/Staff, Promotional Models, etc)
I love Industry Family, and not because I used to be one. I love them because you really have to have a strong personality to handle the hoards of drunk people, while keeping a smile on your face. These people know how to have fun like its their job, in fact, that’s probably how you will spot them in the club. They’ll all be smiling and laughing together like there is one big joke that you are simply not a part of. However you won’t care because they’re friendly enough and usually providing the booze. The Liquor Reps and Promo Models might even have fun swag to give away, if you look friendly. Oh and word to the wise, if someone walks up right in front of you at the bar, looking like they could care less that they aren’t dressed up and gets a warm welcome from the staff, then that’s probably an off-duty industry member and its best just to let it happen. Remember they’re basically family.
9. The Houdini
This person has gotten away with this act for far too long. It is not okay, in any way form or fashion, to party with a group of people all night and then completely “poof” disappear once the bill comes. The drinks are not free and if you choose to partake…even just one drink…you should offer the person whose card is on file some monies. This is especially true if you’re at a table all night; offer the Table God to “pitch in”. Now sometimes Table God will be so honored by the notion that he will chuckle politely, smile at you with those heavenly eyes, pronounce you a good boy and insist that you keep your money; because he’s “just glad you came”. However most of the time he will take that paper and give you respect you for the MAN you are. yeah! The small exception to this etiquette is quite sexist but “c’est la vie”; if you are a female who is there with a non-magician, then your only job is to have fun, don’t spill your drink and make the nightclub a better place.
10. The Promoter
This is the second best dressed man at the club behind the Come-Up Kid. He is typically the first person you will recognize standing guard outside the pearly gates, awaiting your much anticipated arrival. Hell, he might be the reason you came in the first place. This guy may or may not have an actual job secured within the club, but at the end of the day his main responsibility is getting people to spend money his club verses elsewhere. They’re very charming, with influential personalities and a back bone to boot. The back bone is required for this position because these guys usually get highly criticized, if not blamed, for anything that goes south during the night and they’re rarely congratulated for the great nights. Lastly, these guys are experts at letting you think that you have “a guy” that will take care of you for the night, and while that may be very true, its doubtful “the guy you know at *insert popular nightclub*” even likes you…sorry.
So for some extra fun next Saturday night when you set out on the town to make good decisions, take a screenshot of the nightclub types listed below and see how many you actually encounter. You might even want to take a shot each time you spot one just to make things more interesting. Unless of course if your feeling a little like a Disaster-Saurus, in that case you should just sit this one out.
COME UP KID
Disclaimer: No person or entity associated with this post will receive payment or anything of value. The story, situations, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this post are general. No identification with actual persons, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred and any likeness is by sheer chance; okay, okay, never mind you got me, it’s totally you.